Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
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Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
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Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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