You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
