So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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