Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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