Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
