Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
