I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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