im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
