he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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