I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
