Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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