wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
