Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He uses pillows to masturbate.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
