You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
