Your dad touched me again.
my shit smells like andre
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
