Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
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That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.