At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
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Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
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Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories