I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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