Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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