I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
