Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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