I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
