we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
