Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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