is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
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I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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