So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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