My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
