he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
