I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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