my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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