just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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