I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
