morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
