Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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