I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
