To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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