Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
BRING THE BAGELS
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
