I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
