I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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