Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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