all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
