You really coming over, don't trick.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i will never coherently bang her
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
