Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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