You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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