is your mom at the bar?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
