For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
