you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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