A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
