I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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