our cab driver is having phone sex.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
