but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
