can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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