Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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