i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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