Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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