Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
