Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There r osticjed everywhere
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
